Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Im part way to drunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
