saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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