GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
