I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
