WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
