On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
