last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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