i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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