don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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