she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
