I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
