I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
