I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
