Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
