If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
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Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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