Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
zippers are such a cool invention
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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