Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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