saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
