Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
