You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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