There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
