Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
