Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
