I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
