I am midnight drunk by noon
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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