I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I intend to get homeless drunk
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
