i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
