Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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