She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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