1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
