I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize