Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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