I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
