Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
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