Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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