so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She told me I should be a condom model.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
