Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
