I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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