So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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