Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
