the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
