4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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