Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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