I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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