He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
