I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
