She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
