Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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