I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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