I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
