apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
