yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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