I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
