There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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