I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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