I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
