why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
