my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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