just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
vagina is talking i cant
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
