I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
